Anxiety (Part I)

The new thing is to self diagnose yourself with anxiety, it used to be called being nervous but things got fancy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having anxiety, there are great medications out there to help people who have this condition and I truly feel for you. I was prescribed medication once, and the side effects were worse than the anxiety. I looked like something out of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. #Rough

Since that escapade, I got off the happy pills and now am on a liquid medication called Grey Goose. It actually makes you more fearless and gives you the ability to perform solid dance moves. Like everything that makes you feel invincible, you shouldn’t drive while taking this medication and it may cause the following side effects:

  • An increased appetite
  • Drowsiness
  • Nausea
  • Headache
  • Vomiting
  • Frequent urination
  • Slurring
  • The inability to make good decisions
  • Texting your ex or easy lover
  • Engaging in sexual intercourse with strangers
  • Purchasing food off the dollar menu at 3 A.M.

Don’t call your doctor if you experience any of the above side effects, because it just means you are wasted.

There are a few instances that gets my anxiety into frenzy.

Awkward Sounds
“That was my shoe! I swear!”. You know when your shoe makes a fart noise? Then you have to reproduce that same noise to prove that it wasn’t coming from your ass? Ya, that’s awkward. Especially when you can’t make the same noise. Then you start sweating…

Sweating
It’s really cute when you’re public speaking and you feel yourself start to perspire. People always say to me “You were nervous!? I didn’t even notice”… oh really? I haven’t lifted my arms up for you to take notice. Not only is speaking in public awful but you need to worry about sweating; which makes you sweat more!

Then, you worry if people can see your sweat through your shirt and you go into a spiral about sweating.  You can’t even focus on being worried about speaking! Vicious, vicious cycle.

House Parties
There nothing that says “Let’s go to a party” like alcohol and a group text message with your ladies that go something like “I’m not going, unless you’re going”. God forbid you meet new people and have a good time. Instead, you and your socially awkward friends, congregate in the corner wall at every party. You come across as being bitchy and antisocial, but you and your friends don’t talk to strangers unless everybody is 5 tequila shots to the wind.

Elevators
Put me in an elevator and I am sweating like Tony Soprano eating Spaghetti. People say to me “You are fine, just relax”, no shit… you don’t think I am telling that to myself, over and over again? I mean, whats really going to happen if I get stuck in this elevator?

In my head:
I am going to suffocate and die.
In reality: I get to my floor and the doors open.

Vomiting
I inhale a bottle of Pepto tablets if I feel nauseous from a potential stomach bug. Almost always, it ends up being heartburn from the Wendy’s I ate at 3 A.M. #Tums

If I feel like I am going to throw up, I think l am going to die. I seriously do not understand how people say, “Just make yourself throw up, you will feel SO much better!” I am sure that is true but, are you high!? You would have to drug me with Ipecac in order for me to voluntarily throw up. The word Ipecac is nauseating alone.

I am sweating just writing this…

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