My life as a prison guard: a Memoir

This is what the title of my memoir would be. Why you ask? Because my days and nights have led to restraints, bribes and reprimands.

This new found prison guard job started on February 24th, 2017, my daughter’s second birthday.


What this Blog is and isn’t.

We received a comment the other day from someone who was an angry Elf. The person started out by saying they rarely comment on anything but “just had to comment” on our blog saying something along the lines that we suck as a blogger and should quit our jobs. Haters gonna hate, am I right?

They also made the point to give us ten lengthy pointers on what a blog should be and blah blah all while stating that they are trying not to offend us and have a Merry Christmas.

I hate to say that this person wasted their Saturday night giving us pointers on how to write a blog. You see, we don’t want your pointers, we didn’t ask for pointers, pointers are actually the opposite of what this blog is about. To assume that this is our full-time job couldn’t be far from the truth. To assume that writing this blog IS a job is also a false statement.

This blog IS meant to be stupid, fun, sassy, goofy, real, opinionated, immature, random, interesting, weird, inappropriately awesome.

This blog IS NOT grammatically correct, smart, profitable, caring, PG-13, updated often and it is certainly not for anyone but us.

You see, this blog does not reflect who we are as people but where our minds go when we want to escape from working 40 plus hours a week, raising a family, juggling bills and worrying about when the next terrorist attack will happen. This blog doesn’t care about rules because it isn’t a job.

This blog IS a coloring book, and we choose to color outside the lines. If you like it, congratulations you are a weirdo, like us.

If you don’t, there is a lovely ‘x’ on the top right corner of your browser, click it at any time and save yourself the time in writing a novel of a comment, because you think your feedback and criticism needs to be heard and matters to us…sorry lady, it just doesn’t.






Blogging is Hard

I must say, keeping up with a blog is harder than keeping up with the Kardashian’s. For one, having a baby is a total time suck.  I love my baby and pay very close attention to her like a responsible human being, but man sometimes I forget to urinate that’s how consumed I am. Since our last post, I grew a human and Jennifer Aniston got married. Both are major events that took a little longer than we all hoped but hey it got done!

In other news, we have a new Kardashian on our hands… CAIT! While yes in the past we have totally ripped on Bruce for looking like a female gym teacher (no offense to female gym teachers). However, we are so happy for Cait and her new venture into womanhood. Granted Cait’s entrance does lack the certain monthly visit from the old Bitch “Flo” who I renamed “Cersei”. The way I see it, is that we all have to start somewhere and Cait Kardashian Jenner decided to begin womanhood after menopause. I see she learned something from Kris.

Random Thoughts Thursday

Sometimes when I speak, it seems like I have more to say but I don’t; like my sentence is incomplete. When this happens, my husband will say “That’s your story?” and upon my confirmation, he will sarcastically say “good talk.” 

After thoughtful consideration, I have come to realize I start conversations in my head and finish them out loud. How inconsiderate is that to the person I am talking to? No wonder I get frustrated when people don’t understand what I am saying…I am the only one who knows the back story! I also mumble which isn’t good for anyone involved.

Here are some prime examples of random things I would say out of blue and more importantly out loud…

“Italy is really nice in the summer…so I hear”

“I figured out that thing from yesterday…”

“Pepperoni is a mystery to me…”

“I think i’m gonna have some rice…”

“This is a true story……(truueeee storayy)….. of seven strangers, picked to live in a house”

And my personal favorite…

“Can pregnant woman go swimming? I mean, would their babies need to hold their breath? What I am trying to say is, would water rush into the womb like the lower level of the Titanic?”

Every single response from those who have listened to my comments have been “That was random!” Therefore, I do declare and I truly do, that Thursday is now “Random Thoughts Thursday”… fuck TBT its RTT time bitchesss.



Happy Belated Birthday!!

I decided to buy a bunch of scratch tickets and the cashier at Price Chopper carded me (I look 17, thats cool).

The girl looks at my I.D. and says “Happy Belated Birthday!”…I think “Wow! That was really nice of her to say that!”

Then I think…

“Wow! That was a little fucking weird since my birthday was in August”

Happy Friday.

Winter is Coming, Yet It’s So Hot In Here!

Hacking into my parents HBO account has been the best thing since Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I have finally got into Game of Thrones, or what I like to call Medieval Nerd Porn. To be honest, I wasn’t too psyched about this show, I am not into Lord of The Rings, Avatar or any of that fantasy stuff. Once I started watching Game of Thrones and saw the caliber of sexy men with amazing accents, I was hooked. Let’s have a look at some of the men that stand out, shall we:

Ned Stark
Kind of handsome for an older man, I liked him but then he died and all hell broke loose. I’m sorry about your head, Ned.

Jon Snow
“You know nothing, Jon Snow”…oh shut it, Ygritte. That man knows everything… especially how to have frizz-less curls when its snowing and raining. His long black locks are ravishing, along with that Bear he calls a jacket. This man is no Bastard, he is a godsend… remember that Catelyn.

Robb Stark
King indeed. I really enjoyed his face but you know, when you don’t keep your promise… shit happens and so long, hot stuff. I will miss his pearly whites, accent, perfect facial hair and curly locks, oh those curls! I will be seeing you in my Dreams, Your Grace.

Jaime Lannister
Ok, the incest thing is beyond atrocious but he is pretty attractive. He is such a jackass though, but then you get to like him and REALLY wish he would stop screwing his sister… but no, that sick hobby keeps on going.

Loris Tyrell
Too bad he is a sword sucker because he is one fine man. A blonde with wavy locks and beautiful blue eyes. One man will be very lucky to be his someday.

Tyrion Lannister
I like him and find him to be strangely attractive. It could be the whole face scar thing or the fact that he is just a good guy throughout the story who shares the same love for wine I have.

Stannis Baratheon
The actor looks like an older version of my husband, therefore I like him. Period. However, that Priestess whore of light needs to relax with her fire staring and shadows that come out of her hoo-hoo.

The not so great men

Joffrey Baratheon
What a creep, huh? This kid is what it would look like if Satan took a dump. I hate him. Die Joffrey, die! In due time I presume.

Theon Greyjoy
I love the fact that this a-hole has no manhood anymore, it makes me so happy. Not to mention he went to third base with his sister…what is up with the incest!

The Hound
Ok, didn’t like him but then again he is nice to the baddest ass in the whole story, Arya and now…I like him! Hooray.