Things Couples Say Before Going To Sleep

Sometimes you hear that couples say “Good Night” followed by a kiss before going to sleep. If that were true, wouldn’t that be lovely? Even if you do say “Good Night”… if you think about it, its not the last thing you say before you go to sleep. You are usually bothered by something, especially if it prevents you from sleeping OR wakes you up at night. Here is a list of what couples say to each other before they actually fall asleep for the night:

“Ugh, YOU Smell”

“Can you move over? You are so close to me… you have SO much room over there!” In reference to a woman who has to sleep on his side of the bed.

“Get your cold ass feet away from me”

“Quit HOGGING the blankets”

“Hey…..HEY! You’re snoring”

“Do you need water? You keep coughing!”

“Do you have the Tums? I shouldn’t have eaten that Pizza”

“Can you shut the T.V. off?”

“WHY IS IT SO COLD IN HERE!?”

Followed by…”WHY IS THE HEAT UP!?”

“You’re turn” …in reference to a crying baby

“Stop licking me” …in reference to your dog that sleeps in your bed…or creepy significant other who licks you in your sleep. #gross

“Stop twitching”

“SHUT…UP!” in reference to your neighbor’s dog who wont stop barking at 2 A.M

“What are you saying, I can’t understand you?” In reference to your significant other talking in their sleep and you not realizing it until their eyes are close.

“Can you please put the phone down? Facebook stalking can wait until the morning”

Even if you are single, and shared a bed with a sister/brother, friend or even a stranger you just met (Hey, Tinder happens) these are the things I have heard from others and personally experienced.

I wonder how old the separate beds thing starts at?…just saying.

The Day I Fought A Nurse

9 times out of 10 when I have a sore throat and post nasal drip, I will need an antibiotic. It just happens to me, I can’t fight the good fight of a cold like a normal person can. I prefer not to go to my primary care when I get sick, mainly because his office isn’t open at normal business hours and I think he secretly wants me to die.

After two days of coughing and a fever, I decide to go to the Minute Clinic in CVS in hopes of an antibiotic. Right when I see the Nurse, her first words are “I hope you didn’t come here expecting an antibiotic”, she is acting like wanting a Z-Pack is equal to wanting Painkillers. Her first words should have been a red flag for me to leave, but no like a dumb ass, I stay.

After 20 minutes of convincing this nurse that I am not a smoker, she takes a look at my throat and says “Let’s do a strep test”. Great, voluntary gagging…can’t wait! She might as well call me Anastasia Steele and whip me while she is at it. I was hoping this Nurse would perform this awful task gracefully, but no, it had to be my worst strep test experience ever.

This lady was an animal. She stabbed my throat and was dabbing away like she was painting the Mona Lisa, I grabbed both of her arms and she was yelling at me to calm down. We were officially in battle. This lady was asking for me to pretty much vomit all over her face. This was my nightmare, I have never in my life wished for a positive strep test until now.

After all that, I left with a negative strep test, no antibiotic, and feeling worse than I did before I went. I lost my pride, my appetite and all faith in the Minute Clinic. A sad day for all…

Ok, maybe that was a bit dramatic…

Pet Peeve : Theater Talkers

I saw Catching Fire last night. Shit was cray. However, you never can capture all the details of a 400 page book in two hours. I need to come to terms with this whenever they make a movie out of a book. #ineedtopipethefuckdown

ok. #deepbreath

Dear Movie Goers,

If you’re going to a movie that is apart of a series, make the fuck sure you see the prior FILM or at the very least read Imdb and become familiar with the damn characters. That way you don’t need to ask Betty a question every two minutes. “What in gods green earth is happening? What’s a reaping? Oh no, she didn’t! Is that an arrow?”

Seriously though, it’s not enjoyable to hear your voices when i’m trying to stare at Liam Hemsworth while trying to not drool. This can’t be fun for you, the fact that you understand absolutely nothing that is going on. You are clueless I get it. However, just sit their eat your popcorn and fill the gaps in yourself. Use your imagination, make up a  back story. Maybe Katniss is the actual game maker and she is orchestrating everything. I don’t fricken know but, here is a wild idea watch the first damn movie before you spend $9.75 to sit in a room with a bunch of people watching a flick.

P.S –  to the person who forgot to turn the phone off. Go kick rocks.

You Spelled My Name Wrong.

How is this possible? I mean, how is it possible to spell my name incorrectly when it’s in my e-mail signature and in my e-mail address. It really chaps my ass.

If you aren’t aware, my name is Caitlin. The 80’s was a hip time to name your child Caitlin, Katelyn, Kaitlin, Kaitlyn, Caitlyn, Catelyn, Caitlan, Kaytlynne (This one’s a mind fuck and probably the name of some chick on 16 and pregnant). I understand you would misspell my name, there are 20 different variations of it. Sometimes, I wish my name was something like Mary… like the mother of Jesus.

Another thing about my name, it apparently determines my Irish legitimacy; I like to think the freckles would be enough or the fact that my Mother is an O’Brien who hails from Boston.

When I tell an Irish woman from Boston what my name is, you can guarantee they will ask me with a judging demeanor how I spell it. The conversations usually go like this:

Scary Boston Irish Lady:  “How do you spell ya name, with a C or a K?”
Me: “C”.
Scary Boston Irish Lady: “With a Y or and I?”
Me: “With two I’s”
Scary Boston Irish Lady: “Good Girl. That’s the right away around heeeyah”.

Phew! That was terrifying and worrisome. I’ve seen my share of Damon/Affleck/Marky Mark movies to know, you don’t mess with an Irish Mother from Boston or “You ahh SO dead!” #wickedpissah

I guess it could be way worse, my parents could have named me North. #KimyeBurned

Where are they now? The Halloween Edition

First off, Happy Halloweenie! I used to love saying that when I was 9 years old and apparently still do at 29 #immature. The one outcome from Halloween that is bound to happen (aside from Diabetes) is the scary movie-a-thon on television. Horror movie superstars consumed my nightmares as a child, ever since then my basement has never been the same.

Every boy doll I owned, I envisioned stabbing me at night. I had PTSD from the movie Friday the 13th. This fear of mine got so bad, that Michael Jackson’s skin condition that turned him stark white, reminded me of Michael Myers from Halloween. Continue reading

Flatulence: The Great Debate

“Men fart way more than Women”- says everyone

That statement couldn’t be any more false than my 90-year old Grandfather’s teeth. We all eat the same things, we accumulate the same amount of fumes. I come from a gassy family, two brothers who took farting to another level, so this topic does not scare me. Am I less of a lady for discussing the nature of tooting? No, I am keeping it real..

Females Fart
There isn’t anything else to it, but there is a significant difference between how Men and Women choose to handle this sensation. Below is an explanation of Continue reading