Happy Belated Birthday!!

I decided to buy a bunch of scratch tickets and the cashier at Price Chopper carded me (I look 17, thats cool).

The girl looks at my I.D. and says “Happy Belated Birthday!”…I think “Wow! That was really nice of her to say that!”

Then I think…

“Wow! That was a little fucking weird since my birthday was in August”

Happy Friday.

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What Sochi Means To Me…

When I think of Sochi I don’t think of the Olympics, dirty water, hostels, the killing of stray dogs, Shaun White’s new haircut, pink eye or even vodka (which we all know, I love oh so dearly).

Nope, none of these are what I think of when I hear of the location of the 2014 winter Olympics. You are probably wondering “Well, what the hell does it make you think of?”

Keep reading….

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Winter is Coming, Yet It’s So Hot In Here!

Hacking into my parents HBO account has been the best thing since Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I have finally got into Game of Thrones, or what I like to call Medieval Nerd Porn. To be honest, I wasn’t too psyched about this show, I am not into Lord of The Rings, Avatar or any of that fantasy stuff. Once I started watching Game of Thrones and saw the caliber of sexy men with amazing accents, I was hooked. Let’s have a look at some of the men that stand out, shall we:

Ned Stark
Kind of handsome for an older man, I liked him but then he died and all hell broke loose. I’m sorry about your head, Ned.

Jon Snow
“You know nothing, Jon Snow”…oh shut it, Ygritte. That man knows everything… especially how to have frizz-less curls when its snowing and raining. His long black locks are ravishing, along with that Bear he calls a jacket. This man is no Bastard, he is a godsend… remember that Catelyn.

Robb Stark
King indeed. I really enjoyed his face but you know, when you don’t keep your promise… shit happens and so long, hot stuff. I will miss his pearly whites, accent, perfect facial hair and curly locks, oh those curls! I will be seeing you in my Dreams, Your Grace.

Jaime Lannister
Ok, the incest thing is beyond atrocious but he is pretty attractive. He is such a jackass though, but then you get to like him and REALLY wish he would stop screwing his sister… but no, that sick hobby keeps on going.

Loris Tyrell
Too bad he is a sword sucker because he is one fine man. A blonde with wavy locks and beautiful blue eyes. One man will be very lucky to be his someday.

Tyrion Lannister
I like him and find him to be strangely attractive. It could be the whole face scar thing or the fact that he is just a good guy throughout the story who shares the same love for wine I have.

Stannis Baratheon
The actor looks like an older version of my husband, therefore I like him. Period. However, that Priestess whore of light needs to relax with her fire staring and shadows that come out of her hoo-hoo.

The not so great men

Joffrey Baratheon
What a creep, huh? This kid is what it would look like if Satan took a dump. I hate him. Die Joffrey, die! In due time I presume.

Theon Greyjoy
I love the fact that this a-hole has no manhood anymore, it makes me so happy. Not to mention he went to third base with his sister…what is up with the incest!

The Hound
Ok, didn’t like him but then again he is nice to the baddest ass in the whole story, Arya and now…I like him! Hooray.

Things Couples Say Before Going To Sleep

Sometimes you hear that couples say “Good Night” followed by a kiss before going to sleep. If that were true, wouldn’t that be lovely? Even if you do say “Good Night”… if you think about it, its not the last thing you say before you go to sleep. You are usually bothered by something, especially if it prevents you from sleeping OR wakes you up at night. Here is a list of what couples say to each other before they actually fall asleep for the night:

“Ugh, YOU Smell”

“Can you move over? You are so close to me… you have SO much room over there!” In reference to a woman who has to sleep on his side of the bed.

“Get your cold ass feet away from me”

“Quit HOGGING the blankets”

“Hey…..HEY! You’re snoring”

“Do you need water? You keep coughing!”

“Do you have the Tums? I shouldn’t have eaten that Pizza”

“Can you shut the T.V. off?”

“WHY IS IT SO COLD IN HERE!?”

Followed by…”WHY IS THE HEAT UP!?”

“You’re turn” …in reference to a crying baby

“Stop licking me” …in reference to your dog that sleeps in your bed…or creepy significant other who licks you in your sleep. #gross

“Stop twitching”

“SHUT…UP!” in reference to your neighbor’s dog who wont stop barking at 2 A.M

“What are you saying, I can’t understand you?” In reference to your significant other talking in their sleep and you not realizing it until their eyes are close.

“Can you please put the phone down? Facebook stalking can wait until the morning”

Even if you are single, and shared a bed with a sister/brother, friend or even a stranger you just met (Hey, Tinder happens) these are the things I have heard from others and personally experienced.

I wonder how old the separate beds thing starts at?…just saying.

Things You Should Buy At CVS/Pharmacy

While waiting for an antibiotic to be filled at CVS, I decided to kill some time and roam the store. Typically when one goes to CVS it’s for something particular and never window shopping. Well, let me show you what you are missing out on; what I have come to find as the greatest items to purchase in CVS:

FUN LOOM
I have no idea what Fun Loom is, but from what I can see, its a bracelet making kit. Fun.

loom

DOLLS & TAMPONS
What this says to me is “Sorry about your period, but here’s a doll if you need a hug or to yell at someone”. I think what should be displayed here are Snickers, Midol and Tissues

tamps

WORLD CHAMPIONS
Damn straight.

sox

THE GREATEST ITEM IN THE STORE
The idea for this blog post was sparked by the sight of this gem. For only $2.49, you can get a classy cane and honestly, how great would it be if your name was Rose? I would rock the shit outta this cane at Monday night Bingo and Saturday night Waltz class.

*Update: It has been brought to my attention the cane is not $2.49, the cane tips are. If that is the case, then why are the cane tip prices on the cane hook? Fail, CVS.

rose-close-2

SANTA’S SLIPPERS
SANTA!!! OH MY GOD!!! No, he’s not really at CVS but if you want to annoy the shit out of everyone on Christmas day, purchase these jingling shoes.

santa

WEDDINGS WILL BE MUCH MORE FUN.
I friggin hate heels, especially the pain I endure when I am made to wear them at weddings. Most of the time, the pain comes from being barefoot because someone always steps on my foot when I am twerking on the dance floor. Problem, solved.

flats

MEMORABILIA OF THE WORLD’S GREATEST CRIMINAL
Who wouldn’t want an authentic pocket watch inspired by Jesse James himself? Who wouldn’t want a pocket watch in general?

jessiejames

BIRTHDAY GIFTS FOR EVERYONE
You could buy an Amazon gift card and an IHOP gift card at the same place…mind blown.

gc

A BUTT CUSHION
Why do chairs have to be so hard on the tush? Hey, I get it. Great invention.

buttpillow

THE CREEPIEST DOLL YOU CAN BUY FOR $10.00
“Hold my hand and I will WALK with you!”…that is what this doll promises. If I ever saw a doll walk at me, I would scream and attack it. Not fun. Creepy.

doll

GIRLS RULE
These are probably the best training diapers… ever. This girl on the bag is like “Hey Biotch, I am representing all tomboy’s and I ain’t effing around. I play sports and there ain’t no leakage that will slow me down, word”

diapergirl

SPEAKING OF LEAKAGE…
I almost bought this for myself. No, I am not 80 years of age but I “Pee-a-little” at times when running, laughing, or doing anything that involves motion. It’s a patch, so I decided not try it because it would interfere with my nicotine, birth control and girl scout patches.  No, I am not serious but could you imagine if you were trying to quit smoking, avoid reproduction AND prevent peeing your pants… when does the patching end?

bladder

FOIL BALLOON.
Next time someone has a baby or gets a new job, I am buying this.

balloon

ONLY $19.99
The worlds biggest stuffed animal dog, originally $39.99 but now only $19.99. Amazeballs.

teddy

ARNOLD PALMER.
I prefer the spiked kind but I do feel the large canned Iced Tea’s are hilarious when I see someone drink it. It is almost like they are miniature people who are actually drinking a normal sized canned Iced Tea.

arnold
These are the greatest things I have ever seen in CVS. I used to think it was the Extra Bucks that I loved about this store, but not now!

The Day I Fought A Nurse

9 times out of 10 when I have a sore throat and post nasal drip, I will need an antibiotic. It just happens to me, I can’t fight the good fight of a cold like a normal person can. I prefer not to go to my primary care when I get sick, mainly because his office isn’t open at normal business hours and I think he secretly wants me to die.

After two days of coughing and a fever, I decide to go to the Minute Clinic in CVS in hopes of an antibiotic. Right when I see the Nurse, her first words are “I hope you didn’t come here expecting an antibiotic”, she is acting like wanting a Z-Pack is equal to wanting Painkillers. Her first words should have been a red flag for me to leave, but no like a dumb ass, I stay.

After 20 minutes of convincing this nurse that I am not a smoker, she takes a look at my throat and says “Let’s do a strep test”. Great, voluntary gagging…can’t wait! She might as well call me Anastasia Steele and whip me while she is at it. I was hoping this Nurse would perform this awful task gracefully, but no, it had to be my worst strep test experience ever.

This lady was an animal. She stabbed my throat and was dabbing away like she was painting the Mona Lisa, I grabbed both of her arms and she was yelling at me to calm down. We were officially in battle. This lady was asking for me to pretty much vomit all over her face. This was my nightmare, I have never in my life wished for a positive strep test until now.

After all that, I left with a negative strep test, no antibiotic, and feeling worse than I did before I went. I lost my pride, my appetite and all faith in the Minute Clinic. A sad day for all…

Ok, maybe that was a bit dramatic…

Brian Griffin Dead

There is really nothing else to say here. The dog from Family Guy got hit by a car and died, people are shocked and saddened by the ballsy move from Seth MacFarlane. I would also say this is really shocking news, especially coming from a show where the talking flamboyant baby aspires to murder his Mother, Lois.

What are all the pot heads or 30 year-old men to do now their cartoon dog has died? Rent the movie All Dogs Go To Heaven, cry for a day and finally grow up?

Then again, who am I to talk…I wrote an article on farting.

dog